1 00:00:00,818 --> 00:00:03,719 Back in the '80s, being a man's man was simple. 2 00:00:03,720 --> 00:00:05,855 All you needed was muscles or a mustache. 3 00:00:05,856 --> 00:00:08,928 Unfortunately, I was miles from Dolph Lundgren 4 00:00:08,929 --> 00:00:10,391 and no Chuck Norris... 5 00:00:10,392 --> 00:00:11,892 Get scared, boys. 6 00:00:11,893 --> 00:00:13,894 Goldberg's coming for you. 7 00:00:13,895 --> 00:00:16,364 I was what you'd call a "late bloomer," 8 00:00:16,365 --> 00:00:18,157 like the latest... Ever. 9 00:00:18,158 --> 00:00:20,668 What's up, Goldnerd? How was your winter break? 10 00:00:20,669 --> 00:00:24,405 J.C. Spink? What the... what happened to you? 11 00:00:24,406 --> 00:00:26,607 Grew a ton. I stink. Got acne all over my back. 12 00:00:26,608 --> 00:00:28,075 It's awesome. 13 00:00:28,076 --> 00:00:31,078 But worst of all, the girls were growing even faster, 14 00:00:31,079 --> 00:00:33,781 especially my girlfriend, Dana Caldwell. 15 00:00:33,782 --> 00:00:37,051 Yo, girls. Mainly you. 16 00:00:37,052 --> 00:00:38,218 Um, hi? 17 00:00:38,219 --> 00:00:39,520 There's a party at the water tower. 18 00:00:39,521 --> 00:00:40,821 Usually there's no freshman allowed. 19 00:00:40,822 --> 00:00:42,689 But for you, I'll make an exception. 20 00:00:42,690 --> 00:00:44,157 Actually, I'm not a freshmen. 21 00:00:44,158 --> 00:00:46,459 Adam F. Goldberg. Pleasure. 22 00:00:46,460 --> 00:00:47,961 Uh, what's this about a party? 23 00:00:47,962 --> 00:00:50,397 Uh, I'll see you there, Dana. 24 00:00:50,398 --> 00:00:52,165 And, uh, don't bring your little brother. 25 00:00:52,166 --> 00:00:55,268 I'm actually four months and 16 days older than her, 26 00:00:55,269 --> 00:00:56,309 and we're together. 27 00:00:56,310 --> 00:00:58,805 Weird. Anthony Balsamo knows my name. 28 00:00:58,806 --> 00:01:01,074 And he's such a mensch to invite both of us. 29 00:01:01,075 --> 00:01:02,375 Wait... you want to go to that? 30 00:01:02,376 --> 00:01:04,243 It's just gonna be a bunch of rowdy high-school guys 31 00:01:04,244 --> 00:01:06,245 spray-painting dirty words on the water tower. 32 00:01:06,246 --> 00:01:08,347 Big, bad Adam ain't afraid of no water tower. 33 00:01:08,348 --> 00:01:09,615 Or ghosts, FYI. 34 00:01:09,616 --> 00:01:12,351 I desperately wanted my girlfriend, Dana, 35 00:01:12,352 --> 00:01:13,986 to see me as a man. 36 00:01:13,987 --> 00:01:15,387 Are you standing on your tiptoes? 37 00:01:15,388 --> 00:01:16,689 Don't think so. 38 00:01:16,690 --> 00:01:19,291 And if it wasn't gonna happen on its own, 39 00:01:19,292 --> 00:01:21,360 I would kick-start the process myself. 40 00:01:21,361 --> 00:01:22,561 The hell are you doing? 41 00:01:22,562 --> 00:01:25,831 I'm stimulating the follicles. I read it in GQ. 42 00:01:25,832 --> 00:01:28,300 It's a magazine for stylish men of means. 43 00:01:28,301 --> 00:01:29,501 Okay, everybody out. 44 00:01:29,502 --> 00:01:31,136 I need to use the... oh, my God. 45 00:01:31,137 --> 00:01:32,537 Are you using my lady bic? 46 00:01:32,538 --> 00:01:34,239 I'm stimulating the follicles! 47 00:01:34,240 --> 00:01:36,675 Ha, you suck! Barry, get the camera! 48 00:01:36,676 --> 00:01:37,642 Adam's being Adam! 49 00:01:37,643 --> 00:01:39,444 What's with all the yelling? 50 00:01:39,445 --> 00:01:42,380 Oh, my Joy! Is my baby trying to shave?! 51 00:01:42,381 --> 00:01:44,449 I'm stimulating the follicles. 52 00:01:44,450 --> 00:01:46,384 Oh! I got the Polaroid! 53 00:01:46,385 --> 00:01:49,020 Say "peach fuzz." 54 00:01:49,021 --> 00:01:50,855 ♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪ 55 00:01:50,856 --> 00:01:54,274 ♪ But nonetheless I feel the need to say ♪ 56 00:01:54,275 --> 00:01:56,894 The Goldbergs - 02x12 Cowboy Country 57 00:01:56,895 --> 00:01:58,562 ♪ I don't know the future ♪ 58 00:01:58,563 --> 00:02:02,399 ♪ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪ 59 00:02:02,400 --> 00:02:04,502 It was January 7, 1980-something, 60 00:02:04,503 --> 00:02:08,506 and my brother, Barry, had his first real-live girlfriend, 61 00:02:08,507 --> 00:02:09,696 Lainey Lewis. 62 00:02:09,697 --> 00:02:11,672 You went through my backpack and ate my pudding? 63 00:02:11,673 --> 00:02:13,077 Who does that? 64 00:02:13,078 --> 00:02:15,647 Aw, so cute when my boyfriend flies into a rage over pudding. 65 00:02:15,648 --> 00:02:17,315 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up. 66 00:02:17,316 --> 00:02:19,384 You just said "boyfriend" out loud, 67 00:02:19,385 --> 00:02:21,219 in front of other teenage human people. 68 00:02:21,220 --> 00:02:22,653 Dude, it's not a big deal. 69 00:02:22,654 --> 00:02:26,090 It's just... I've never been this happy. 70 00:02:26,091 --> 00:02:28,893 Aw. Don't celebrate just yet. 71 00:02:28,894 --> 00:02:30,561 My dad has to meet your dad first. 72 00:02:30,562 --> 00:02:31,829 It's like his only rule. 73 00:02:31,830 --> 00:02:33,798 He needs to know you come from good stock. 74 00:02:33,799 --> 00:02:34,469 I don't. 75 00:02:34,470 --> 00:02:36,967 You've seen my stock. It's like terrible stock. 76 00:02:36,968 --> 00:02:38,102 I have a plan. 77 00:02:38,103 --> 00:02:39,804 We'll have you guys come to a football game 78 00:02:39,805 --> 00:02:41,539 so they'll be distracted and drinking a lot. 79 00:02:41,540 --> 00:02:43,808 - That's genius! - Think you can get him to come over? 80 00:02:43,809 --> 00:02:46,977 Hey, Big Tasty knows how to handle Murray Goldberg. 81 00:02:46,978 --> 00:02:50,748 There's a 100% chance my dad will be there. 82 00:02:50,749 --> 00:02:53,517 There's a 0% chance I will be there. 83 00:02:53,518 --> 00:02:55,219 Please. It's just one little football game. 84 00:02:55,220 --> 00:02:57,888 Little?! We're talking Cowboys-Eagles here! 85 00:02:57,889 --> 00:02:59,556 It's the biggest game of the year. 86 00:02:59,557 --> 00:03:01,992 It's the only thing I care about in the entire world. 87 00:03:01,993 --> 00:03:03,994 - More than your child? - Yes. 88 00:03:03,995 --> 00:03:05,829 You put me in a position where I had to say it. 89 00:03:05,830 --> 00:03:08,298 And now that I did, I feel free. 90 00:03:08,299 --> 00:03:10,968 If I hear you say "no" again, I'm hulking out. 91 00:03:10,969 --> 00:03:14,605 We're talking screaming and swearing. 92 00:03:14,606 --> 00:03:17,241 I'm gonna smash this decorative box! 93 00:03:17,242 --> 00:03:20,177 Do not hulk out! Do not smash that decorative box! 94 00:03:20,178 --> 00:03:23,147 Say goodbye to the decorative box! 95 00:03:23,148 --> 00:03:25,415 Your mom keeps her knickknacks in there. 96 00:03:25,416 --> 00:03:27,451 I'll destroy her knickknacks, too! 97 00:03:27,452 --> 00:03:29,453 Hulk doesn't respect knickknacks! 98 00:03:29,454 --> 00:03:31,855 Fine! I'll do your stupid thing! 99 00:03:31,856 --> 00:03:33,824 Where are we going again? 100 00:03:33,825 --> 00:03:35,325 Do you even listen when I talk? 101 00:03:35,326 --> 00:03:37,160 I get the gist of it, say "no" a lot. 102 00:03:37,161 --> 00:03:38,829 I make it work. 103 00:03:38,830 --> 00:03:41,164 I'm cool with that. 104 00:03:41,165 --> 00:03:43,000 While Barry was hulking out for Lainey, 105 00:03:43,001 --> 00:03:45,669 I was bulking up for Dana. 106 00:03:45,670 --> 00:03:48,672 "Buns of steel"? 107 00:03:48,673 --> 00:03:52,609 "Just five minutes a day for the working mom on the go." 108 00:03:52,610 --> 00:03:54,277 That can vaguely apply to me. 109 00:03:54,278 --> 00:03:56,780 Okay, what's going on with you? 110 00:03:56,781 --> 00:03:58,548 All the guys at school are turning into grown men, 111 00:03:58,549 --> 00:04:00,350 and I still have a little-boy body. 112 00:04:00,351 --> 00:04:04,554 Ah, puberty. I was an early bloomer myself. 113 00:04:04,555 --> 00:04:06,523 Those were the days. 114 00:04:06,524 --> 00:04:08,625 That's not helpful, is it? 115 00:04:08,626 --> 00:04:11,895 No! My girlfriend's is about to be stolen by Anthony Balsamo. 116 00:04:11,896 --> 00:04:14,698 I don't know who this Balsamic character is, 117 00:04:14,699 --> 00:04:17,133 but I'm sure you don't need to worry. 118 00:04:17,134 --> 00:04:19,869 No, he should worry. Panic even. 119 00:04:19,870 --> 00:04:21,337 I mean, Anthony Balsamo's a 10. 120 00:04:21,338 --> 00:04:22,672 Mom says I'm a 10. 121 00:04:22,673 --> 00:04:24,474 She also says Barry can be a doctor. 122 00:04:24,475 --> 00:04:26,442 Oh, God, pops! Help me! 123 00:04:26,443 --> 00:04:27,710 It's a lie. I'm not a 10. 124 00:04:27,711 --> 00:04:29,679 If Anthony Balsamo's got his eye on your girl, 125 00:04:29,680 --> 00:04:31,113 you got to think big. 126 00:04:31,114 --> 00:04:33,382 In this case, maybe a diamond or a car 127 00:04:33,383 --> 00:04:35,818 or an exotic trip around the world. 128 00:04:35,819 --> 00:04:38,153 Adam, you can't buy a girlfriend. 129 00:04:39,389 --> 00:04:40,656 Unless she's out of your league. 130 00:04:40,657 --> 00:04:42,291 Then you've got to pull out all the stops. 131 00:04:42,292 --> 00:04:44,526 Okay, then. Jewelry it is. 132 00:04:44,527 --> 00:04:46,595 I could give her my sweet green lantern ring. 133 00:04:46,596 --> 00:04:47,931 Or you keep looking. 134 00:04:47,932 --> 00:04:50,065 - No, it's perfect. - Just sleep on it. 135 00:04:50,066 --> 00:04:51,533 Why? It glows and everything. 136 00:04:51,534 --> 00:04:55,137 It's for nerds, okay? Nerds. 137 00:04:55,138 --> 00:04:59,374 I'm sorry. But you left me no choice. 138 00:04:59,375 --> 00:05:01,343 They were right. 139 00:05:01,344 --> 00:05:04,712 They only way to lock down Dana was with a big, sparkly ring. 140 00:05:04,713 --> 00:05:07,849 Lucky for me, my Nana left me the perfect one. 141 00:05:07,850 --> 00:05:09,017 My mom said, one day, 142 00:05:09,018 --> 00:05:10,518 I'd give it to the woman of my dreams. 143 00:05:10,519 --> 00:05:14,188 Surely, she was thinking middle school, right? 144 00:05:14,189 --> 00:05:17,759 Uh... 145 00:05:17,760 --> 00:05:18,860 You like? 146 00:05:18,861 --> 00:05:19,827 Adam, it's too much. 147 00:05:19,828 --> 00:05:20,828 Nothing's too much 148 00:05:20,829 --> 00:05:22,630 for my number-one special lady friend. 149 00:05:22,631 --> 00:05:24,966 It's beautiful. 150 00:05:24,967 --> 00:05:26,701 Be sure to wear it tonight to the water tower. 151 00:05:26,702 --> 00:05:28,836 You still want go to that party? 152 00:05:28,837 --> 00:05:30,838 That Balsamo kid was nice enough to invite us. 153 00:05:30,839 --> 00:05:33,173 The least we could do is pop in and show your ring off. 154 00:05:33,174 --> 00:05:34,975 Adam Frederick Goldberg! 155 00:05:34,976 --> 00:05:36,510 Put it away. Oh, God. Hide your ring. 156 00:05:36,511 --> 00:05:38,278 Oh, God. She knows. 157 00:05:38,279 --> 00:05:39,680 How does she know? How do you know? 158 00:05:39,681 --> 00:05:41,815 I have an itemized inventory right here 159 00:05:41,816 --> 00:05:44,418 of everything that goes in and out of our house. 160 00:05:44,419 --> 00:05:45,619 Now give me Nana's ring. 161 00:05:45,620 --> 00:05:47,421 No, you said, one day, 162 00:05:47,422 --> 00:05:49,956 I could give it to the woman of my choosing, and I choose Dana. 163 00:05:49,957 --> 00:05:53,393 By woman of your choosing, I meant of our choosing. 164 00:05:53,394 --> 00:05:55,028 I'm a man, I made this decision, 165 00:05:55,029 --> 00:05:56,930 and now there's nothing that you can do about it. 166 00:05:56,931 --> 00:05:58,565 Oh, yes, there is. 167 00:05:58,566 --> 00:06:00,200 Hi, Mrs. Goldberg. 168 00:06:00,201 --> 00:06:02,936 Dana, lovely to see you. I'm gonna need that ring back. 169 00:06:02,937 --> 00:06:05,105 Mom, do not do this. 170 00:06:05,106 --> 00:06:06,406 - Ring. - Do not. 171 00:06:06,407 --> 00:06:07,707 - Ring, ring, ring. - Do not. 172 00:06:07,708 --> 00:06:10,143 Ring, ring. Who's there? It's me. I want my ring back. 173 00:06:10,144 --> 00:06:13,180 Okay, I'll take it off. 174 00:06:13,181 --> 00:06:15,381 Just put it back on my finger before you lose it. 175 00:06:15,382 --> 00:06:18,618 Oh, ho-ho-ho-ho. Check it out. 176 00:06:18,619 --> 00:06:21,354 Goldnerd's proposing to his mom, and she said "yes"! 177 00:06:21,355 --> 00:06:23,623 - That's not what happened! - Oh, she said "no." 178 00:06:25,259 --> 00:06:27,093 There. You happy now? 179 00:06:27,094 --> 00:06:29,729 I do. I mean... I am. 180 00:06:33,567 --> 00:06:36,035 Hi, Mr. Goldberg. 181 00:06:36,036 --> 00:06:38,370 Thanks for coming. My dad's excited to meet you. Hey, Barry. 182 00:06:38,371 --> 00:06:40,339 - Hey, hey. - Oh, hey, there he is. 183 00:06:40,340 --> 00:06:42,407 Hey, hey. Dad, you know Barry, Mr. Goldberg. 184 00:06:42,408 --> 00:06:44,843 Yep. Hey, Bill Lewis of Bill Lewis Tile and flooring. 185 00:06:44,844 --> 00:06:47,312 Murray Goldberg of this moron's father. 186 00:06:47,313 --> 00:06:50,248 Classic Mur-man. He kids. 187 00:06:50,249 --> 00:06:52,384 Big game today. You guys are lucky 188 00:06:52,385 --> 00:06:55,053 'cause I just bought a brand-new big-screen TV to watch it on. 189 00:06:55,054 --> 00:06:56,421 What you got? 27"? 190 00:06:56,422 --> 00:06:58,590 32 "? 34"? 191 00:06:58,591 --> 00:07:01,193 53" of pure magic, my friend. 192 00:07:01,194 --> 00:07:03,061 You are a dirty liar. 193 00:07:03,062 --> 00:07:04,563 Come here. 194 00:07:04,564 --> 00:07:07,699 Oh... My... God. It's real. 195 00:07:07,700 --> 00:07:10,435 Ah, the '80s projection TV. 196 00:07:10,436 --> 00:07:14,572 It was blurry and weighed more than a car, but it was the envy of every man. 197 00:07:14,573 --> 00:07:17,709 I know we just met... 198 00:07:17,710 --> 00:07:20,611 But I want to live with you, Bill. I choose you. 199 00:07:20,612 --> 00:07:22,546 Wow. I think this may work. 200 00:07:22,547 --> 00:07:25,282 And it did... For about two more seconds. 201 00:07:25,283 --> 00:07:28,652 Murray, you can come over for any game you want. 202 00:07:30,051 --> 00:07:32,352 Everybody's welcome in Cowboy Country. 203 00:07:35,927 --> 00:07:38,562 Good God. What is this place? 204 00:07:38,563 --> 00:07:41,232 - I think he said "Cowboy Country." - Isn't it great? 205 00:07:44,436 --> 00:07:46,237 How could you do this to me? 206 00:07:46,238 --> 00:07:47,405 They're Cowboy fans. 207 00:07:47,406 --> 00:07:49,740 I can't watch the biggest game of the year 208 00:07:49,741 --> 00:07:51,042 in enemy territory! 209 00:07:51,043 --> 00:07:53,344 I'm sorry, okay? Lainey didn't tell me. 210 00:07:53,345 --> 00:07:55,346 I did. Remember? 211 00:07:55,347 --> 00:07:57,915 I told you all about it in your room... 212 00:07:57,916 --> 00:07:59,216 when we were studying. 213 00:07:59,217 --> 00:08:01,985 You can't expect me to listen to what you're saying 214 00:08:01,986 --> 00:08:04,154 while we're... Studying. 215 00:08:04,155 --> 00:08:06,490 Morons! I know what "studying" means! 216 00:08:06,491 --> 00:08:08,358 Look, you can still root for the Eagles... 217 00:08:08,359 --> 00:08:09,693 just not out loud. 218 00:08:09,694 --> 00:08:12,629 Please. It's going so well. My dad actually likes you. 219 00:08:12,630 --> 00:08:14,031 He never likes anyone. 220 00:08:14,032 --> 00:08:16,500 Fine. I will stay for one quarter. 221 00:08:16,501 --> 00:08:19,636 But after that, I go home and watch with my chair. 222 00:08:19,637 --> 00:08:21,271 Who wants some barbecued eagle? 223 00:08:21,272 --> 00:08:23,974 I'm just fooling. It's chicken. 224 00:08:23,975 --> 00:08:25,776 But that's what the Eagles are, right? 225 00:08:25,777 --> 00:08:28,412 A bunch of chickens. Bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk. 226 00:08:29,681 --> 00:08:31,214 As livid as my dad was, 227 00:08:31,215 --> 00:08:34,484 it didn't come close to the rage in my heart. 228 00:08:34,485 --> 00:08:36,353 Stop your stomping. 229 00:08:36,354 --> 00:08:37,654 I get it... your little feet are mad. 230 00:08:37,655 --> 00:08:39,156 But you are much too young 231 00:08:39,157 --> 00:08:41,858 to be giving little girls big, honking sparklers. 232 00:08:41,859 --> 00:08:43,827 Fine! I'll just get her a ring of my own! 233 00:08:43,828 --> 00:08:46,229 I'll mow every damn lawn in this town if I have to. 234 00:08:46,230 --> 00:08:48,398 What do I need to score a ring like that, huh? 235 00:08:48,399 --> 00:08:49,766 10, 12 g's? You know what? 236 00:08:49,767 --> 00:08:51,201 I thought we were gonna be able to 237 00:08:51,202 --> 00:08:52,702 discuss this like reasonable people. 238 00:08:52,703 --> 00:08:54,571 But clearly, your little body's all worked up. 239 00:08:54,572 --> 00:08:57,874 Stop calling my parts little! I'm a man! A big man! 240 00:08:57,875 --> 00:08:58,942 Uh-huh! 241 00:08:58,943 --> 00:09:01,110 Well, you're grounded, big man. 242 00:09:01,111 --> 00:09:03,179 That means no computer, no television, 243 00:09:03,180 --> 00:09:04,613 no phone, no Dana. 244 00:09:07,650 --> 00:09:09,852 Don't look at me like that. I know what you're thinking. 245 00:09:09,853 --> 00:09:13,622 But he crossed a line with that ring. 246 00:09:13,623 --> 00:09:14,690 And don't tell me 247 00:09:14,691 --> 00:09:16,792 I'm trying to keep him a baby forever 248 00:09:16,793 --> 00:09:19,061 because I'm not, although he is growing up 249 00:09:19,062 --> 00:09:20,295 at an alarming rate. 250 00:09:20,296 --> 00:09:23,565 And this isn't because I am devastated or jealous 251 00:09:23,566 --> 00:09:25,534 or threatened that he's got a new woman in his life. 252 00:09:25,535 --> 00:09:27,669 Because she is not a woman. She is a girl. 253 00:09:27,670 --> 00:09:30,639 And I am the woman. 254 00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:34,076 I'm his mother, of course, but he's mine... 255 00:09:34,077 --> 00:09:35,577 ours, all of ours. 256 00:09:35,578 --> 00:09:36,578 Shut up! 257 00:09:40,783 --> 00:09:43,418 - Hey. You okay? - No, I'm not okay! 258 00:09:43,419 --> 00:09:46,621 Dana's at the water tower right now with Anthony Balsamo. 259 00:09:46,622 --> 00:09:48,657 I can't let him swoop in on my Gal. 260 00:09:48,658 --> 00:09:50,358 I got to fix this. 261 00:09:50,359 --> 00:09:52,694 Oh, good... you came up with another great way 262 00:09:52,695 --> 00:09:54,462 for a robot to solve your problems. 263 00:09:54,463 --> 00:09:56,397 I will let love and eight "D" batteries 264 00:09:56,398 --> 00:09:58,499 carry my letter to Dana at the water tower. 265 00:09:58,500 --> 00:10:01,202 There's nothing that can stand in Omnibot's way... nothing! 266 00:10:02,665 --> 00:10:06,641 Omnibot, no! You know grass is your kryptonite! 267 00:10:06,642 --> 00:10:10,011 Well, here's an idea. A real man would find Dana himself. 268 00:10:10,012 --> 00:10:13,314 I can't. You heard mom. She would ground me forever. 269 00:10:13,315 --> 00:10:16,017 Well, maybe some things in life are just worth it. 270 00:10:16,018 --> 00:10:18,786 In that moment, I realized Erica was right. 271 00:10:18,787 --> 00:10:21,389 It was time to stop letting a robot do a man's job. 272 00:10:21,390 --> 00:10:24,158 Run! Run and show her what a man you are! 273 00:10:24,159 --> 00:10:27,495 What a tiny, little man you are. 274 00:10:27,496 --> 00:10:28,796 And it's good! 275 00:10:28,797 --> 00:10:30,765 Three on the board! 276 00:10:30,766 --> 00:10:32,833 Three on the board. 277 00:10:32,834 --> 00:10:34,902 Three on the board. Three on the board. 278 00:10:34,903 --> 00:10:36,504 Sweet lord. Make him stop. 279 00:10:36,505 --> 00:10:40,007 You know, Dick Vermeil has no business coaching men's football. 280 00:10:40,008 --> 00:10:43,077 Maybe... at best... women's volleyball. 281 00:10:43,078 --> 00:10:44,878 Not the Olympic kind. 282 00:10:44,879 --> 00:10:48,315 Like a casual, two-woman game on a beach, am I right, Mur? 283 00:10:48,316 --> 00:10:50,284 After a quarter of agony, my dad was 284 00:10:50,285 --> 00:10:54,054 at his breaking point, and then this happened. 285 00:10:54,055 --> 00:10:56,323 Oh! Oh, yeah! Mike Quick! 286 00:10:56,324 --> 00:10:58,458 Just beat the kicker! Just beat the kicker! 287 00:10:58,459 --> 00:11:01,461 Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Touchdown! 288 00:11:01,462 --> 00:11:03,029 Oh, whoa, whoa! 289 00:11:03,030 --> 00:11:04,698 Oh, crap. Yeah. We're done. 290 00:11:04,699 --> 00:11:05,732 You're an Eagles fan? 291 00:11:05,733 --> 00:11:07,534 This is, uh, Philadelphia, 292 00:11:07,535 --> 00:11:09,836 and I root for two teams... 293 00:11:09,837 --> 00:11:13,440 the Eagles and whoever's playing the Cowboys. 294 00:11:13,441 --> 00:11:15,742 But at least we all can agree the Giants suck, 295 00:11:15,743 --> 00:11:17,077 am I right? 296 00:11:17,078 --> 00:11:19,746 In my house, we root for one team and one team only. 297 00:11:19,747 --> 00:11:21,381 That's America's team. 298 00:11:21,382 --> 00:11:23,182 If anyone's America's team, it's Philly... 299 00:11:23,183 --> 00:11:26,552 home of the Liberty Bell, Ben Franklin, and Rocky. 300 00:11:26,553 --> 00:11:28,187 Your city's so bad you could only come up 301 00:11:28,188 --> 00:11:31,190 with is a mediocre boxing movie and a broken bell. 302 00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:33,993 Okay, we're all saying things that are hurtful and untrue. 303 00:11:33,994 --> 00:11:34,994 I say we hug. 304 00:11:34,995 --> 00:11:36,295 We'll start. You guys join. 305 00:11:36,296 --> 00:11:37,530 No. 306 00:11:37,531 --> 00:11:41,467 I never understood why you liked this bonehead. 307 00:11:41,468 --> 00:11:45,204 But after meeting his dad, I really don't get it. 308 00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:48,474 I don't have to sit here and watch my son be insulted 309 00:11:48,475 --> 00:11:52,444 by a man who sells the fourth-best type of flooring. 310 00:11:52,445 --> 00:11:55,581 - Oh, no. Oh, no. - Oh, no. 311 00:11:55,582 --> 00:11:58,884 There's only one thing worse than bad-mouthing the Cowboys, 312 00:11:58,885 --> 00:12:01,353 and that's talking nonsense about Tile. 313 00:12:01,354 --> 00:12:05,491 You can't name one better flooring option! Not one! 314 00:12:05,492 --> 00:12:09,161 Carpet, wood, linoleum, brick, marble, astroturf. 315 00:12:09,162 --> 00:12:10,796 Enough! 316 00:12:10,797 --> 00:12:13,999 It'll be a cold day in hell when my daughter dates 317 00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:15,634 a no-good, Tile-hating Eagle fan. 318 00:12:15,635 --> 00:12:17,202 I think you guys should leave. 319 00:12:17,203 --> 00:12:19,504 I'm a step ahead of you! Ca-caw! 320 00:12:19,505 --> 00:12:20,672 Stop it. What is that? 321 00:12:20,673 --> 00:12:24,008 I am an eagle, flying on my wings to victory. 322 00:12:24,009 --> 00:12:25,210 Ca-caw! 323 00:12:25,211 --> 00:12:26,744 Eagles don't "ca-caw!" 324 00:12:26,745 --> 00:12:29,214 Nobody knows the sound an eagle makes! 325 00:12:29,215 --> 00:12:30,215 Nobody! 326 00:12:32,985 --> 00:12:34,285 Barry. 327 00:12:34,286 --> 00:12:35,753 Eagles don't "ca-caw." 328 00:12:35,754 --> 00:12:37,088 Ca-caw! 329 00:12:37,089 --> 00:12:39,857 As Barry was watching his first love fly away, 330 00:12:39,858 --> 00:12:41,893 I was getting ready to climb to new heights 331 00:12:41,894 --> 00:12:43,328 to show Dana what a man looked like. 332 00:12:43,329 --> 00:12:45,163 Adam? I thought you were grounded. 333 00:12:45,164 --> 00:12:47,632 This is how grounded I'm not. 334 00:12:49,034 --> 00:12:51,970 Wait. You can't climb that. It's too dangerous. 335 00:12:53,973 --> 00:13:00,678 Dana Isabelle Caldwell, you're worth it. 336 00:13:00,679 --> 00:13:03,014 And so, my climb into greatness began. 337 00:13:03,015 --> 00:13:05,516 Sure, I was a clumsy doof with limited hand and leg strength, 338 00:13:05,517 --> 00:13:07,819 but I wouldn't let my shortcomings stop me. 339 00:13:07,820 --> 00:13:10,154 I had to show Anthony Balsamo and the rest of my school 340 00:13:10,155 --> 00:13:14,191 that Adam Goldberg was the manliest of men. 341 00:13:14,192 --> 00:13:15,526 It was my moment. 342 00:13:15,527 --> 00:13:17,328 The wind was at my back, my heart was pounding, 343 00:13:18,062 --> 00:13:20,263 and I knew exactly what I needed to write 344 00:13:20,264 --> 00:13:24,601 to show all of jenkintown that Dana was my girl. 345 00:13:24,602 --> 00:13:26,703 Nothing on God's green earth could stop me. 346 00:13:26,704 --> 00:13:28,105 No! 347 00:13:28,106 --> 00:13:30,474 Come on! Damn it! 348 00:13:30,475 --> 00:13:33,642 Well, nothing except for an empty can of spray paint. 349 00:13:33,643 --> 00:13:35,045 Oh, balls! 350 00:13:35,046 --> 00:13:37,481 _ 351 00:13:37,482 --> 00:13:38,982 Do you know that guy, Dan? 352 00:13:38,983 --> 00:13:40,183 Not that well. 353 00:13:40,184 --> 00:13:41,852 Even more unfortunate... 354 00:13:41,853 --> 00:13:43,019 Oh, balls! 355 00:13:43,020 --> 00:13:45,188 I got so swept up in being man 356 00:13:45,189 --> 00:13:49,392 that I'd forgotten about my crippling fear or heights. 357 00:13:51,028 --> 00:13:55,031 Also unfortunate, they had to call the fire department. 358 00:13:55,032 --> 00:13:56,700 Turns out, being swaddled like a baby 359 00:13:56,701 --> 00:13:59,903 didn't help my case on proving my manhood. 360 00:14:02,807 --> 00:14:03,907 Hey, you okay, bro? 361 00:14:03,908 --> 00:14:05,442 Fuck you, Dan. 362 00:14:07,142 --> 00:14:09,842 Even though the Eagles lost pretty bad that day, 363 00:14:09,843 --> 00:14:12,577 Barry was taking his loss even harder. 364 00:14:12,578 --> 00:14:14,212 The hell are you doing? 365 00:14:14,213 --> 00:14:16,582 Just sorting through the treasures of our relationship. 366 00:14:16,583 --> 00:14:18,483 The flyers shirt she hated, 367 00:14:18,484 --> 00:14:20,686 the stop sign where she wanted to go left 368 00:14:20,687 --> 00:14:21,987 and I wanted to go right, 369 00:14:21,988 --> 00:14:24,223 so I got nervous, went straight. 370 00:14:24,224 --> 00:14:25,857 You might not understand this, 371 00:14:25,858 --> 00:14:31,263 but... Eagles and Cowboys just don't mix. 372 00:14:31,264 --> 00:14:33,432 You and Lainey were doomed from the start. 373 00:14:33,433 --> 00:14:35,067 We just root for different teams. 374 00:14:35,068 --> 00:14:37,402 - So what? - So it gets complicated. 375 00:14:37,403 --> 00:14:38,537 I've seen people try, 376 00:14:38,538 --> 00:14:41,173 but it's, uh... well, that's a tough life. 377 00:14:41,174 --> 00:14:42,841 You're living in the past! 378 00:14:42,842 --> 00:14:44,543 I don't see teams. I see people. 379 00:14:44,544 --> 00:14:46,044 Everyone sees teams. 380 00:14:46,045 --> 00:14:48,313 Well, as much as I care about the Eagles... 381 00:14:48,314 --> 00:14:50,847 I care about Lainey more. 382 00:14:50,848 --> 00:14:53,417 That's a damn big thing to say. 383 00:14:53,418 --> 00:14:55,253 - I know it is. - You better mean it. 384 00:14:55,254 --> 00:14:56,587 I do. 385 00:14:56,588 --> 00:14:59,223 Well, let's get in the damn car. 386 00:14:59,224 --> 00:15:00,291 And bring the stop sign. 387 00:15:00,292 --> 00:15:01,859 We got to put it back. It's a serious crime. 388 00:15:03,962 --> 00:15:05,229 Bill, we need to talk. 389 00:15:05,230 --> 00:15:06,831 I've got nothing to say to you. 390 00:15:06,832 --> 00:15:09,100 Look, I know things got personal. 391 00:15:09,101 --> 00:15:10,801 You said some things about Rocky. 392 00:15:10,802 --> 00:15:12,670 I said some things about Floor Tiling. 393 00:15:13,404 --> 00:15:16,106 We got great kids, and they like each other. 394 00:15:16,107 --> 00:15:18,041 So let's just move past this. 395 00:15:18,042 --> 00:15:19,676 Mur, I'm a reasonable man. 396 00:15:19,677 --> 00:15:20,978 I'll let Lainey see Barry 397 00:15:20,979 --> 00:15:24,748 if you admit the Cowboys are America's team. 398 00:15:24,749 --> 00:15:26,350 Reasonable? That's not reasonable. 399 00:15:26,351 --> 00:15:27,851 That's the opposite of reasonable. 400 00:15:27,852 --> 00:15:31,154 - Dad, come on. - Let him try it on. 401 00:15:31,155 --> 00:15:33,090 - I'll do it. - Wait, seriously? 402 00:15:35,059 --> 00:15:37,394 - The Cowboys are... - W-what's that? 403 00:15:37,395 --> 00:15:38,595 Cowboys... 404 00:15:38,596 --> 00:15:41,531 - I couldn't quite hear you. - Cowboys... 405 00:15:41,532 --> 00:15:44,234 Even though my brother liked Lainey more than the Eagles, 406 00:15:44,235 --> 00:15:46,302 he hated watching our dad get ridiculed. 407 00:15:46,303 --> 00:15:48,438 The Cowboys... 408 00:15:48,439 --> 00:15:49,439 Suck! 409 00:15:49,440 --> 00:15:51,874 They suck! The Cowboys suck! 410 00:15:51,875 --> 00:15:54,444 I'm sorry, Lainey. They suck so hard. 411 00:15:54,445 --> 00:15:55,411 I think we're done here. 412 00:15:55,412 --> 00:15:58,247 - Damn right we are! Ca-caw! - Ca-caw! 413 00:15:58,248 --> 00:15:59,248 - Stop it! - Ca-caw! 414 00:15:59,249 --> 00:16:00,550 Eagles don't make that noise! 415 00:16:00,551 --> 00:16:02,418 - Ca-caw! - It makes no sense! 416 00:16:02,419 --> 00:16:04,654 Ca-caw! Ca-caw! Ca-caw! While Barry and my dad were flying high, 417 00:16:04,655 --> 00:16:06,756 Erica was trying to keep my smother grounded. 418 00:16:06,757 --> 00:16:08,758 Where is he? Where is my boy? 419 00:16:08,759 --> 00:16:10,059 I'm sorry. I can't hear you. 420 00:16:10,060 --> 00:16:11,961 Tell me where my favorite child is, 421 00:16:11,962 --> 00:16:13,696 or this is gonna get real mean. 422 00:16:13,697 --> 00:16:15,464 - Meaner than that? - Cut it out. 423 00:16:15,465 --> 00:16:17,599 Do what you will, I won't crack. 424 00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:19,468 Wow. Standing up for your brother. 425 00:16:19,469 --> 00:16:20,903 I'm proud of you, really. 426 00:16:22,472 --> 00:16:24,440 - What are you doing? - Just demonstrating 427 00:16:24,441 --> 00:16:26,875 how I'll be showing up to school next year if you don't start talking. 428 00:16:26,876 --> 00:16:29,578 You think a few curlers scare me? 429 00:16:29,579 --> 00:16:32,247 Wow. You put those in fast. You're like a hair ninja. 430 00:16:32,248 --> 00:16:34,549 Oh, it won't just be curlers. 431 00:16:34,550 --> 00:16:38,787 It'll be the whole pre-bedtime routine. 432 00:16:38,788 --> 00:16:41,623 Hi, Erica. It's me, your mother. 433 00:16:41,624 --> 00:16:44,059 - He's at the water tower. - You're weak. 434 00:16:44,060 --> 00:16:45,493 I know. 435 00:16:51,567 --> 00:16:53,702 Hey! 436 00:16:53,703 --> 00:16:55,937 You are in so much trouble, mister! 437 00:16:55,938 --> 00:16:57,639 You thought you were grounded before? 438 00:16:57,640 --> 00:16:59,607 Well, you are really grounded now. 439 00:16:59,608 --> 00:17:01,242 It doesn't matter! 440 00:17:01,243 --> 00:17:04,379 After tonight, Dana will never want to see me again anyway. 441 00:17:04,380 --> 00:17:07,014 What happened? 442 00:17:07,015 --> 00:17:09,951 You were right. I'm a little boy. 443 00:17:09,952 --> 00:17:12,353 And every time I try and be a man, 444 00:17:12,354 --> 00:17:15,823 I just end up proving I'm the farthest thing from it. 445 00:17:15,824 --> 00:17:18,392 I just... I hate who I am right now. 446 00:17:18,393 --> 00:17:19,827 Don't say that. 447 00:17:20,770 --> 00:17:23,697 Look, I know this is hard for you to understand, 448 00:17:23,698 --> 00:17:26,500 but this period of your life... 449 00:17:26,501 --> 00:17:28,301 It's only gonna last a little while. 450 00:17:28,302 --> 00:17:32,873 I'm sure, for you, it seems like it'll last forever. 451 00:17:32,874 --> 00:17:37,310 But believe me, it doesn't. 452 00:17:37,311 --> 00:17:40,046 In fact, for me, it all seems like 453 00:17:40,047 --> 00:17:42,349 it's just going by so fast. 454 00:17:42,350 --> 00:17:43,984 Just take me home. 455 00:17:57,131 --> 00:17:59,232 Okay. Here's your stop. 456 00:18:00,701 --> 00:18:01,868 But this is Dana's house. 457 00:18:01,869 --> 00:18:04,271 Yeah. Go talk to her. 458 00:18:04,272 --> 00:18:06,873 Really? Y-you said I wasn't allowed to see her anymore. 459 00:18:06,874 --> 00:18:09,409 I know what I said. Go. 460 00:18:13,780 --> 00:18:19,285 ♪ A love-struck Romeo sings the streets a serenade ♪ 461 00:18:19,286 --> 00:18:25,024 ♪ laying everybody low with a love song that he made ♪ 462 00:18:25,025 --> 00:18:29,095 ♪ Finds a streetlight, steps out of the shade ♪ 463 00:18:29,096 --> 00:18:31,631 ♪ Says something like, "you and me, babe, how about it?" ♪ Adam? 464 00:18:31,632 --> 00:18:32,798 We need to talk. 465 00:18:32,799 --> 00:18:33,901 O-okay, I'll come down. 466 00:18:33,902 --> 00:18:36,811 No, wait. I-I'll come up. 467 00:18:36,812 --> 00:18:38,270 ♪ Juliet says, "hey, it's Romeo" ♪ 468 00:18:38,271 --> 00:18:42,207 That night, I was determined to climb my way into manhood. 469 00:18:42,208 --> 00:18:44,043 Or at least make it to Dana's window 470 00:18:44,044 --> 00:18:46,345 without having to be rescued by firemen. 471 00:18:46,346 --> 00:18:48,213 You know, you really need to stop climbing things. 472 00:18:48,214 --> 00:18:51,317 Look, all I wanted was to be seen as your boyfriend, 473 00:18:51,318 --> 00:18:53,085 not some little kid. 474 00:18:53,086 --> 00:18:54,219 No one thinks that. 475 00:18:54,220 --> 00:18:56,322 Of course they do. Look at me. 476 00:18:56,323 --> 00:18:58,457 Adam, look at me. 477 00:18:58,458 --> 00:18:59,959 People think I'm in high school, 478 00:18:59,960 --> 00:19:02,127 and they stare at me, and it sucks. 479 00:19:02,128 --> 00:19:03,996 I don't want to go to their parties. 480 00:19:03,997 --> 00:19:07,766 I just want to ride my bike and play video games. 481 00:19:07,767 --> 00:19:10,402 With you. ♪ and I forget, I forget the movie song ♪ 482 00:19:10,403 --> 00:19:12,504 That sounds awesome. 483 00:19:12,505 --> 00:19:15,708 So, now what? 484 00:19:15,709 --> 00:19:18,877 ♪ When you gonna realize it was just that the time was wrong? ♪ Now I kiss you? 485 00:19:18,878 --> 00:19:21,213 - I'm good with that. - ♪ Juliet ♪ 486 00:19:24,182 --> 00:19:26,485 I can't believe you were actually gonna say 487 00:19:26,486 --> 00:19:28,287 the Cowboys were better than the Eagles for me. 488 00:19:28,288 --> 00:19:31,290 For your information, I was never going to say that. 489 00:19:31,291 --> 00:19:33,225 - Oh, you were gonna say it. - I wasn't going to say it. 490 00:19:33,226 --> 00:19:35,193 - You were gonna say it. - Okay, maybe I like you 491 00:19:35,194 --> 00:19:36,962 a little bit more than the Eagles. 492 00:19:37,728 --> 00:19:39,330 Don't tell the Eagles. 493 00:19:39,331 --> 00:19:42,467 ♪ Yes, and the dream was just the same ♪ 494 00:19:42,468 --> 00:19:44,102 - ♪ And I dreamed your dream for you ♪ - Lainey, what are you... 495 00:19:44,103 --> 00:19:46,771 My dad hates your guts. Oh, my God. He hates you so much. 496 00:19:46,772 --> 00:19:48,272 He forbid me from ever seeing you again. 497 00:19:48,273 --> 00:19:50,641 Well, thanks for delivering that message in person. 498 00:19:50,642 --> 00:19:52,810 Don't you get it? He forbid me. 499 00:19:52,811 --> 00:19:55,113 - Forbidden love! That is so hot! - Huh? 500 00:19:55,114 --> 00:19:57,748 Oh, can't you guys just wait until I leave the room 501 00:19:57,749 --> 00:19:59,750 before you start studying? 502 00:19:59,751 --> 00:20:01,185 I just ate. 503 00:20:01,186 --> 00:20:05,990 Oh, and by the way, even though the Cowboys suck, 504 00:20:05,991 --> 00:20:08,960 I think Barry chose well. 505 00:20:08,961 --> 00:20:10,561 I chose him. 506 00:20:10,562 --> 00:20:13,164 Hmm. 507 00:20:13,165 --> 00:20:18,669 ♪ And all I do is kiss you through the bars of a rhyme ♪ 508 00:20:18,670 --> 00:20:22,006 ♪ Julie, I'd do the stars with you anytime ♪ 509 00:20:22,007 --> 00:20:24,675 ♪ Ah, Juliet ♪ 510 00:20:24,676 --> 00:20:26,510 - ♪ When we made love, you used to cry ♪ - It's my green lantern ring. 511 00:20:26,511 --> 00:20:29,280 It's actually not worth anything, but... I love it. 512 00:20:29,281 --> 00:20:31,182 ♪ You said, "I love you like the stars above ♪ 513 00:20:31,183 --> 00:20:33,843 - ♪ I'll love you till I die" ♪ - That's the thing about young love. 514 00:20:33,844 --> 00:20:37,521 ♪ There's a place for us ♪ It's weird. It's awkward. It's confusing as hell. 515 00:20:37,522 --> 00:20:40,358 ♪ When you gonna realize ♪ But no matter what size you are, it's worth it. 516 00:20:40,359 --> 00:20:41,859 ♪ It was just that the time was wrong ♪ 517 00:20:41,860 --> 00:20:43,995 ♪ Juliet ♪ 518 00:20:43,996 --> 00:20:45,996 _ 519 00:20:53,668 --> 00:20:56,570 - Holy why? - Hi, Erica. 520 00:20:56,572 --> 00:20:58,038 Okay, fine! You got me! 521 00:20:58,040 --> 00:21:00,207 But I was only in Atlantic City for a few hours, 522 00:21:00,209 --> 00:21:02,234 and I wasn't eve with those dudes when they were arrested. 523 00:21:02,236 --> 00:21:04,474 Adam forgot his lunch. I just brought it to him. 524 00:21:04,476 --> 00:21:07,147 You said you would come to school... 525 00:21:07,215 --> 00:21:09,007 - I thought you knew. - I didn't. 526 00:21:09,009 --> 00:21:11,885 Then why are you here dressed as my worst nightmare? 527 00:21:11,887 --> 00:21:15,317 'Cause some mornings, It's just tougher to get it together than others. 528 00:21:15,319 --> 00:21:17,458 Now, moving on to your punishment? 529 00:21:17,460 --> 00:21:22,596 Oh, I love you, too, Erica! Yes, this is my daughter! 530 00:21:22,598 --> 00:21:24,249 I baked her in my tummy! 531 00:21:24,251 --> 00:21:27,179